I Lost My Processor!

Don’t panic!  Don’t call the Geek Squad!  It’s not my computer processor that I’ve lost.  I don’t really even have one anymore since it’s all in my laptop.

No, the processor I’m talking about is my husband.  One of the things I’m missing a lot lately is the daily “processing” of our lives together.  Most of it was pretty mundane, if I think back on it.  Just the minutiae of living life with someone for over 35 years.

We were blessed to have a relationship that allowed for discussion on pretty much any topic.  So, of course, Dale was my “go to” guy no matter what I needed to talk about.  And, when I shared something I was struggling with, his goal, like most men, was to get it fixed for me.  My goal was for him to listen to me, and maybe feel just a little sorry for me!

He was the first one I wanted to tell when something wonderful happened in my day.  And he would always celebrate and rejoice with me.

I know men say a LOT fewer words in a day than we women, but I was also Dale’s “go to” person when he wanted to share anything good or bad that was going on in his life.  It was just part of the rhythm of our lives together.

I miss that…every day.

Even when he was at the assisted living facility, I still talked to him at least twice a day on the phone, and went to see him almost every day.  Yes, the processor was losing a little of its battery, but it was still there.

I think that trying to find a new normal in my life has shined a light on this emptiness I’m currently struggling with.  Honestly, it’s extremely lonely.  Yes, I talk to my animals (like Dr. Doolittle…), but there’s not much conversation happening.

I do have friends that I process parts of my life with, sometimes on a daily basis, and I’m extremely grateful for that.  Recently, one of those friends was on an extended vacation out of the country in a very weird time zone 😊, with few opportunities to connect.  That was also a very tangible absence.

All of this caused me to take a closer look at what I should be learning through this.  I know God works through our trials, and I’ve learned to expect insights from Him any time a new heartache finds its way into my life.

I found that the lesson God was teaching me here wasn’t a new revelation.  He has tried to teach me this before!  But, how often does it take multiple knocks on our head to get our attention from God!?  I’m grateful for His patience!!

What He has shown me, once again, is that He is my All-Sufficiency.  When I’m sad or lonely or hurting or grieving, my “go to” guy should be God.

One of my favorite verses is from Philippians 4:6-7 which says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

There is so much comfort in this verse, and it’s a great reminder that we can and should take everything that causes us to be anxious or hurting to the God Who knows us better than we know ourselves.  He CAN give us that famous “peace that passes all understanding.”

Yes, He does still bless us with friends and family and Church family who can lift us up during our hard times – and they are from Him – but I must remind myself that God should be where I want to run FIRST.

So, who is your processor?  If you’re married, it’s likely your spouse.  Or it might be a parent or child or best friend.  Someone in your life helps you work through the good and bad of your days.

Just a couple thoughts to ponder here.  As God is trying to teach me, do you find that you go first in prayer to Him?  Or are you processing everything through an earthly relationship?  I have been and continue to be guilty of this, too.

Do you take your processor for granted?  It’s VERY easy to do that.  I’m sure I did that for most of our married lives.  And, let’s face it, not every part of our processing is kind and unselfish and patient and…  Oh no, sometimes processing is just arguing!  So, it’s hard to always appreciate THOSE times.

But I challenge you to look at this part of your life through a lens of gratitude, knowing that someday, you too may lose your processor.

May God ALWAYS be the One you can count on!

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

10 thoughts on “I Lost My Processor!”

  1. Lynne,
    Couple things:
    1. Wonderfully thought-provoking, as always.
    2. I remember my mom saying this when her mom passed away…how often she wanted to pick up the phone and ask her about a recipe, or a family member from “way back”, or just share something about us kids. Too bad we don’t have satellite connections to Heaven…or do we?!? ;o)
    3. Please know that any time you need an ear or two or four, Doug and I would love to banter with you. We SO enjoy your company! (And we know it’s not the same, but I totally get that “second opinion” or “bouncing ideas around” concept…I would also miss it if I didn’t have a few folks to keep my crazy ideas in check! (or even the mundane, daily stuff.) We’re always here (or there, via text/cell) for you!
    Susan

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  2. Once again you are so very open ! Thank you . I feel your pain and emptiness. A quote “ the biggest gift we can give one another is our own vulnerability .” Yes, it is terribly lonely…often . Sometimes I hate having to be so strong, Your ending verse from Psalms , perfect. It usually only takes the few seconds involved in my saying “ thank you, God, for your blessings “to bring me peace instantly during the tough times. Some times I have to bring God into my focus several times each hour cuz I am getting off course during that lonely time . Some days better than others of course. And I also think of the mother of God, the blessed Mary, sometimes. Her life was tough. As a woman ( the one chosen from all women ever born ) I feel comfort trying to connect with her as another female. Jesus would want me to get comfort from His loving mother and lean on her when she can bring me peace.

    Warm hugs to you and know there are millions of us out there who feel as you do and wish we could help more. God lives and loves.

    Pax, Barb

    Sent from my iPad

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    1. Thanks, Barb. We are not alone! There are many kindred spirits out there struggling with this loneliness. God is the only one who can truly satisfy. Hugs!

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  3. The best part of this passage for me is actually verse 8. “And finally brothers, Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

    I love what you wrote, and Philippians 4:6-8 has been my life’s verse. The last few years though, verse 8 has kept me sane. It keeps my mind out of the gutter of despair and negativity. It is amazing how our God has the perfect answer for everything!!! Right?

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  4. Very thought provoking post. I can’t imagine not being able to call my folks & Tim every day. I hate that you have daily loneliness. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know that some day your reflections and guidance of God’s word will help me.

    Hugs my friend

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